I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
