Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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