He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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