That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
