whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
