Can Purell be used as lube?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
