I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
