You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
