weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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