Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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