Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
