i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
