Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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