Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
