dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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