I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
