my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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