I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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