Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
