Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
