Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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