she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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