my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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