Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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