Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
