there's paper in my vomit.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
