God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
