I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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