I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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