Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
