I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
