I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
