Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
