Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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