it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
