what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
