does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
