I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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