you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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