between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
