Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
being pregnant is like rehab
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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