I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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