my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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