I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
