the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
