Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
