You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The power of my boobs compel you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
