it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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