She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
