Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
