I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
